Archive - Here's Something

May 2025

I can’t be bribed or bought. Go ahead, please try.

My many homes are full of all the gifts I’ve turned down.

May 20

Our official policy is that measles can’t hurt us if we’re all dead

If you’re looking for medical advice, look elsewhere.

May 15

How to fund the arts

Start by insisting they support the military.

May 11

The cancer funds are being used for a greater purpose: My birthday parade

Addressing the rumors

May 4

April 2025

100 days down, 100 to go

Congratulations, you made it.

Apr 29

Getting ahead of it: JD Vance almost definitely didn't kill the pope

There's barely any evidence

Apr 21

Hi, I’m Jesus, and when I get back, I want all the eggs hidden

Hiding eggs? In THIS economy??

Apr 20

Behind the Writing, April 14

On writing and submitting, hours after news breaks

Apr 14

Our plan worked—stocks are skyrocketing back to less than they were before

Apr 10

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